So HERE I AM!!!

So about a stroke.... I've found is it's layers of  recovery that I am most annoyed with. Layers that are slow to reveal themselves, layers that are just plain ugly and painful.
 First layer is just realizing you have troubles. I have to realize that I have MANY things that are holding me up, making life different for me. Each day is a new day and I get to decide how that day is going to be based on my attitude. Now some days I wont lie my overall health gets to decide as I just feel so tired and unable to do a darn thing. Ive been told that's the way a brain injury heals it's self or therapy has worked me so hard that my body decides it's had enough and it just needs a break and it takes one regardless if I want to or not. The realization that one has had life changing event take place is the hard but accepting it and dealing with it is awhole nother thing!   Let's just say there are good and bad days!! Acceptance is a slow process!!
 The second layer I found is the emotional side of recovery.  I'm a mother of 3 beautiful boys. I don't have time for this crap to be honest. God however feels I have another path to take so I've been handed this life to live and we are figuring it out hour by hour , day by day.   Having a stoke and living is something I can be happy about. I am by far doing better than most that I saw on my hospital floor. I just remind myself that while in the hospital for almost a week I was the ONLY one walking around. Now I was with assistance but I was out of my room. Most around me couldn't move due to paralyze. I realized at that time I was pretty darn lucky and I haven't forgotten that. Now I am an emotional person anyway but that fact that this happened to me is mind boggling and hard to wrap my brain around. How does this happen. How do I have no risk factors and have a stroke. Well, good luck coming up with that one.  I do have a small hole in my heart and that could have contributed to it but there is no way to prove it. it's to dangerous to do heart surgery to close the whole so I'm left with a whole in my heart and the chance I may have another stroke. YAY ME!!  I am an answers girl. I like knowing what's wrong and fixing it or making sure that I take care of it. Not this time around. Take the medicine and hope and pray that it doesn't happen again. Oh, if it does then well go in and close it up.  Grrr.....   There is alot of emotions that come along with having any type of illness happen and I am going thru the steps day by day and hour by hour.
Third layer I've found is people amazing me.  I am amazed in many good ways and oh so many ways that are not so warm and fuzzy. It's been eye opening to say the least.  Karma is a bitch is all I can say. I have however had so many wonderful people bless me and I'm doing my best to focus on the good energy  and good people in my life. Got to let go of the negative and let positive guide me.

So there are my first 3 layers. There is many more layers. Many more struggles. Just typing and trying to spell are hard tasks. Sorry if it is difficult to follow as I did my best to put my feelings out but not strong on  my English language skills. OH WELL!! I will get there. Grace is my favorite thing.