Hard to believe but this picture was last summer and boy did we have a great time in Glenwood Springs. How quickly times flies and how things change.

My recovery seems like a yo yo lately. One minute I feel like I'm doing well and the next...well, let just say it sucks!!  I have some memory problems so to be honest it feels like I blinked and its almost the new year.  As we quickly head into the new year I am reminded of what my year was full of and boy oh boy could I say it was terrible.  Yet as I sit and think about it I don't wont to say that, as it was another year with my amazing boys. Watching them grow up and experiencing so much with the three of them. Even though it was a VERY challenging year, I have to say it wasn't terrible. (there we alot of sucky things though. LOL!) 

As I sit and reflect on 2014 I cant wrap my head around all that has gone on. I have a kindergartner, a third grader and a fifth grader. My boys have been amazing thru everything and have kept me alert, and striving each day. Keaton and Ryan in La Crosse and basketball. Aiden learning to read and count to 100!! Really it's just the small stuff of snuggling together and making memories. One great memories of this summer was our trip to Glenwood Springs. We stayed in an amazing hotel with a water park, went to there first amusement park where the rides were perfect for there ages and they didn't have to wait in a single line!!!  Swimming at night till there little bodies couldn't swim anymore , eating and crashing only to awake and head out each day on a hike thru beautiful woods, One day we even accomplished a 4 hour hike to Hanging Falls. The terrain was tough and wasn't sure if my little Aidan's who's flat footed would make it but boy that kid has guts. He didn't complain and pushed through!!  Boy I hope we get to do something like that trip soon as I miss being active like that!

The year was littered for me with health issues that no matter how many doctors I saw no one could put their finger on what was going on, what is wrong???  My health was not great and I was doing my best to carry on but struggling to do it all.  The year started just fine but on March 19th it took a turn in which I awoke to be partially deaf in my right ear. I saw several doctors and finally an ear specialist said my inner ear nerve to the brain had died and there was nothing we could do about it. (Now they think it was the first stroke or TIA that i suffered.)  Meanwhile I was still trying to balance life. Then in late April I collapsed at work. It was scary and it was in front of my sweet school babies. YIKES!!  I was out of commission for almost 4 weeks due to not feeling well. I was able to go back the last few days of the year to enjoy my class and clean up. The summer was focused on trying to find out what the heck was going on. I was so frustrated and desperate to figure it all out. I had a hysterectomy on July 3rd as a doctor felt this may help my issues. I thought I was on the right track as I healed from surgery I started to feel better, more like myself. Sadly that was only about 4 weeks as in Sept. I awoke but this time to seeing double and feeling like I was dying.  I suffered a STROKE!! So here I am at the end of 2014 , I have lost my job, my freedom to drive, to control my body as it is a crab shoot at how I'm going to feel each day, emotions that are all over the board and tears that just fall at a drop of a hat lately.   I'm tired of therapy that is helping greatly but I really worry about how we are going to afford it now that I've had to go on to different insurance.  I wont to feel like me again. I know I have a brain injury and it takes time but I am not patient I'm finding and i've lost alot. I'm impatient to say the least. I am not bitter, I am thankful I am still here each day however I am done with health issues, done with not having control.  We take for granted so much, and I know I took for granted my body when it worked well. Now here I am left trying to figure out what the heck happened? How did I get here? How do I get healthy again and not look back?  So far I have no answers.  I only have faith!!   Each day I thank god I'm still here. Each day I try and put my best foot forward and make the day count. Hopeful one day this will all be a very bad memory. All I can be is hopeful and thankful!   So bring on 2015!!!! As I look forward to a new year I pray  that I can find my footing and achieve good health, along with loving and enjoying times with the ones I love. 

Happy New Year to each and everyone! 

 BAD, BAD DAY!!

Today was just a BAD, BAD DAY!! It started off not great and it just didnt seem to get all that much better. I am having to accept that my symptom are here and I have to deal with them. I was so thankful that I had a friend stop by to listen to me and get me focused once again on what is truely important. I had a stroke and I have to accept it!

So HERE I AM!!!

So about a stroke.... I've found is it's layers of  recovery that I am most annoyed with. Layers that are slow to reveal themselves, layers that are just plain ugly and painful.
 First layer is just realizing you have troubles. I have to realize that I have MANY things that are holding me up, making life different for me. Each day is a new day and I get to decide how that day is going to be based on my attitude. Now some days I wont lie my overall health gets to decide as I just feel so tired and unable to do a darn thing. Ive been told that's the way a brain injury heals it's self or therapy has worked me so hard that my body decides it's had enough and it just needs a break and it takes one regardless if I want to or not. The realization that one has had life changing event take place is the hard but accepting it and dealing with it is awhole nother thing!   Let's just say there are good and bad days!! Acceptance is a slow process!!
 The second layer I found is the emotional side of recovery.  I'm a mother of 3 beautiful boys. I don't have time for this crap to be honest. God however feels I have another path to take so I've been handed this life to live and we are figuring it out hour by hour , day by day.   Having a stoke and living is something I can be happy about. I am by far doing better than most that I saw on my hospital floor. I just remind myself that while in the hospital for almost a week I was the ONLY one walking around. Now I was with assistance but I was out of my room. Most around me couldn't move due to paralyze. I realized at that time I was pretty darn lucky and I haven't forgotten that. Now I am an emotional person anyway but that fact that this happened to me is mind boggling and hard to wrap my brain around. How does this happen. How do I have no risk factors and have a stroke. Well, good luck coming up with that one.  I do have a small hole in my heart and that could have contributed to it but there is no way to prove it. it's to dangerous to do heart surgery to close the whole so I'm left with a whole in my heart and the chance I may have another stroke. YAY ME!!  I am an answers girl. I like knowing what's wrong and fixing it or making sure that I take care of it. Not this time around. Take the medicine and hope and pray that it doesn't happen again. Oh, if it does then well go in and close it up.  Grrr.....   There is alot of emotions that come along with having any type of illness happen and I am going thru the steps day by day and hour by hour.
Third layer I've found is people amazing me.  I am amazed in many good ways and oh so many ways that are not so warm and fuzzy. It's been eye opening to say the least.  Karma is a bitch is all I can say. I have however had so many wonderful people bless me and I'm doing my best to focus on the good energy  and good people in my life. Got to let go of the negative and let positive guide me.

So there are my first 3 layers. There is many more layers. Many more struggles. Just typing and trying to spell are hard tasks. Sorry if it is difficult to follow as I did my best to put my feelings out but not strong on  my English language skills. OH WELL!! I will get there. Grace is my favorite thing.

BOY TIMES HAVE CHANGED!!

Well........

I HAD A STOKE!!!!!

Yes, you read that right, I had a stroke! I had a Ischamic stoke in the thalamus. I still am in shock that this happened and it's been almost 2 weeks. One week in the hospital and  one  week home trying to start therapy and make sense of the non-sense. So today I am writing about it and I am having to accept it. I am having to realize that this is really my life and it  has turned upside down and inside out.  HOWEVER I will not let it take my life as I know it. I am a tough cookie and I know that I am more than what a stroke has left behind.  I am putting it out there, today I am shouting it out that I WILL BEAT WHAT A STROKE HAS LEFT ME WITH.  I have been left with some crummy side affects and I will never understand why? I will however over come what has been given to me and some how rise above it.  Today, I am putting it out into the world what I have  been given and today making it known that I will rise above it all to be a even better version of my old self.

 This blog will take on new meaning as it will be a place for me to talk about my recovery and share my sweet joys that I still observe and experience.  I have a hard time with speech and writing so this also will be a form of therapy as writing period is hard for me but the more I do the better I get.  Sooo... bear with me and so begins the ride.