Another day!

Fatigue...I knew the word but I never really cared nor understood what it truly meant until now. Fatigue is the after affect of this stroke that is the gift that keeps on giving and never quit seems to leave. I fight it on a daily bases and it really is a struggle. I thought I knew tired and many say oh I know what you mean but I have to say "NO, REALLY HAVE NO IDEA!" The feeling of slow, the lack of get up and go for me is devestating as i'm a driven, get it done kind of girl. I dont sit easily, I dont nap and I sure dont relax! So the last years have been more than hard for me to take in. I have come so far as I no longer sleep all day but boy do I fight the light headed , unable to focus, overwhemed or confused feeling that creeps in regularly. Everyday I strive to do and be the best I can be which I dont feel so strong nor inspriational despite other telling me I am. I just feel like a broken women with a sweet husband and 3 fantastic kids that has to fight hard for each day to try and keep us afloat and moving forward. I feel like I let so many balls hit the floor but I honestly am trying so darn hard to be like everyone else so I'm not nor are my family different. Lately thought I am realizing we are different. Ive tried so hard not to be but embracing that we are a bit different is ok. My boys have faced hard and have done AMAZING but are still working thru it. See I'm not normal mommy yet people. I do what others accept as normal and then crash when I get home. I save the hardship of fatigue and stroke for home. I give many the best I have and those who really are close have and still see the real crap that is my new normal in life. I took on a new position 2 days a week but I spend the night in tears and bed early and the next days resting only to do it again. I love teaching but its so very sad what this stroke has done to me as it has taken my ability to teach and feel good after away. I get to do one or the other right now. I am praying it will get better as it truly is brutal right now. I lay in my chair writing this barely able to keep my eyes open and I am frustrated by it as I should be up taking on this sunny beautiful day but I can barely get my butt up to do simple house chores. So I rest and try and not freak out as I know I'm doing the best I can and I know I worked yesterday and its the cause but dang it I want it all. I want to do what I love in being a mother, a wife and a teacher and not feel like death becuase I chose one. Oh well, hopefully like everything else with this I pray I grow stronger and it gets easier. Until then I keep trying and fighting fatigue and this ugly beast called stroke.

STUCK!

So time has moved on and I have moved on with it, yet I feel stuck! Stuck, yes, STUCK! I am different, I have come so far yet I am know where near where or who I was. Noone gave me a manual on how to recover from a stroke, no one said " Hey, do it this way!" I have had to muddle thru each day and do it the best I can. Many dont understand what the stroke has done to me physically or mentally. I should be just back to normal as I look pretty normal but sadly that is not how recovery works for me. I have felt so misunderstood, so alone, so lost now for a year and 4months. I have tried to recover with grace, with dignity, with strength but to be honest I just feel like I am bumbling along. I get so frustrated as I look like me but I don't feel like me, I can't think like me, I can't taste, I can't , I can't , I can't. Really, I can't do or feel alot but I DONT GIVE UP TRYING!!! I CAN AND I WILL!!! I can do so much yet those things are taking a back seat as I try and tackle some things that are a big deal to me know. Social aspect right now are a focus for me. I could stay home for ever and not not deal with the outside world and that would be fine with me but seeming that is not possible and NOT ME, I have to deal with this. Stroke has taken my ability to be who I was socially. We take for granted the ability to hold a conversation, we dont think about what we say, we just say it and go. I however can't do that. I have to think so hard to hold a conversation and at times I cant even remember what was said after or if it made any sense at all. I have anxiety that people dont care to be around me any longer as I have such a closed, world. My heart is huge, I have happiness in there but it's so darn hard to allow it to express it. I feel empty so much of the time, like I am searching for me, my place. I have had to deal with not only having a stroke but losing my job and my love of teaching. I have been working to find a place for my feelings of sadness, of loss, of disappointment and hurt. I have come so far but still so terribly hurt with the loss of my old life. People have been a hard one for me to figure out as they have been something that has brought great joy and yet such great sorrow to me. I see things so differntly now, and for many this is probly not a good thing. I see around all the fluff and crap, I see what is. Funny how stroke has stripped me down to be emotionally bare and makes me see things for what they really are. I use to have rosie glasses on but sadly my glasses are broke and my new are based only in clear reality. Reality is tough, it's not always a fun place to be in as there are so many people who are full of crap, saying one thing yet doing another, flat out lying to benifit themselves, I could go on and on. Reality is where i am. I am no longer pretending to be anything that I am not. I am a wife, a mother, a sister, a granddaugher, a neice, a friend, a broken but hopeful humane being. I am a human being who has and is going thru alot and I am not going to pretend I am better, that I have figured life out, I have the way to recover from a devestating medical issue mastered. I dont know crap just like the rest of the world. I am just a girl, trying to be happy , trying to raise three beautiful boys, doing the best everyday and finding her new place in this world. Please just give me a hand, give me a break, I dont have alot to give as I've been broken down in everyway possible but one thing I do know is I am tough and I will not give up on getting me back! So, that all for now. Despite being STUCK, I will will not give up trying to figure out how to move forward. I will win this marathon, I will RUN again from this place of hard but for now i just need a nudge of love, of kindness, a ray of sunshine to move me forward another day. No one can fix me but time and me but I sure am thankful for those those have chosen to help me SOAR and be stuck no longer!! Thank you!! Just THANK YOU!