Getting IT!

Well this sure has been a long year but one that has open my eyes to so much. I guess god has funny ways of making sure he gets you to pay attention to something you never paid attenion to before. TRUE STRUGGLE. So many now a days think that their problems are so big. I get it trust me, when you dont feel good it SUCKS!! But I mean really struggle, not with a cold, flu or a headache. I am talking true struggle such as tumors, cancer, stroke, chronic illness that doesnt seem to want to give you a break. I have now seen the other side of struggle that I was clueless too before. I have never been one who has wanted to draw attention to myself. I dont need the world watching me do a thing. I'm shy and and introvert at heart so this whole struggle thing has been hard on me to understand. Recently though i have come to realize that I have been struggling, I do hurt and even though their are many who have it worse off I too have endured alot and I'm tired of people discounting that. I know that others have it just as bad or even worse and I will be the first to feel for them or to want to be there for them as I truely do get it. I'm finally owning my place in struggle, I'm not allowing people to treat me like shit because they think they can discount what I've gone through. I no longer need validation from people that have no idea, that just dont get true struggle. This feels good but also a bit scary to feel so strongly about this but I feel like I have been given this time to understand something that I never did before. I dont know about different struggles as we all have them in someway or another or sometime or another but today I get that it's ok to struggle and it's ok to admit that, own that and feel for others that do to. Pretending struggle isnt there, it's no big deal hurts someone that is already hurting. Miniminzing ones pain does nothing to help it, really only hurts. So I guess today I can say I really do get it and to those who don't, well...I hope you never do!

Hmmm...

So today I was told by by head doctor that sadly I'm stuck between two worlds. I no longer am who I use to be and I'm not yet who I will be. I'm caught in the middle. It will take time to see where that lands me. Hmmmmm.....well I guess that is about right but what does one do with that. She thinks I'm doing something that are pushing my limits to far and not healthy for my recovery so will have to make the changes soon enough to get that back in line. I just want to find my place in this world again. I belong somewhere doing something and I guess when the time is right It will come together.

Hard to Belive!

Looking back on pictures and videos of our lives over the years sure makes me see how truely lucky I am. I have been struggling lately with grasping and accepting what has happened over the last year of our lives. Tomorrow will be a full year since I had a stroke. Hard to believe that a whole year has gone by. Am I happy where I am now??? NO, I AM NOT! It doesnt really matter how I feel about the situation, as it is what it is but I do know that I am stronger than I ever gave myself credit for and I'm truly blessed to have such an amazing family behind me. The strength that I've seen from my little boys has been something I have no way to describe. A piece of their childhood was lost this last year as they worked thru the hard with me. Their are no do overs and sweet Aiden's kindergarten year was spent in an upheaval,but he was my cuddle and lover. He knew I couldnt do so much but he would come snuggle with me or spend months of never leaving my side when he was home. He is finally letting out some of what he feels about this past year and though it's so difficult and telling of the hard that we did endure it's good he is finally sharing and letting me know how he has felt and continues to feel. He's one wise little boy. Ryan is one warrior and my biggest cheerleader. Thru all that has gone on Ryan has had nothing but encouraging words, and love for me. I rocked his little world and destroyed his third grade world. He would never say that but I do know it. He had been looking forward to being in the same grade mommy taught in for 2 years and he was so excited to share this time with me. Me being outside at recess and spending lunches together with friends. The stroke took his big shine moment away and left him realing with what was and how to cope and deal. For Ryan who is a mama's boy my health problems was devastating and sad. His little mind couldnt figure out how to fix me and that made it harder to deal with. Sweet, brave Keaton what a 5th grade year he had. His mommy had a stroke and he lost 3 of 4 teachers in a few months time. Changes were swirling around him and emotions were high. He remained a steady kid but mama knew he was struggling inside and longed for normalcy and his mom to be back to how she was. Then there my dear, sweet husband who I can so no words to express my heartfelt gratitude to or for. We have been thru the hardest time in our lives together and he never has given up on me. He had taken on mom and dad roles month after month and complained very little. He has never let me give up on myself when I felt like giving up. He has pushed me and encouraged me everyday for the past year and I have no doubt he will for always. I have been bless with the love of a wonderful man and I love him more now that I did in the beginning. Stroke doesnt just happen to the person it happens to the family and those around them also. What a stroke leaves behind is cruel and hard but I have to say that I am truly thankful for those who took the time to care about me and my family. Who never gave up on me, who keep in touch and made the effort to still love us even though not much was coming back their way for awhile. I have come so far and I am so very grateful but i will not deny I am still sad, I am still bitter for what it has taken away from me, from my kids. I'm sad to see true colors and realize that people are not who I thought they were. Life is strange and ironic and so very real. So here I am a day away from being a year out from the moment that change me forever and I'm at a lose of what to expect. I was told I'd never be the same again. To accept the new me and that the old me was gone. I struggled to believe that but I will admit I believe now. There is no going back to who I was. To much has happened, I'm not the same person and I am finally accepting that. I no longer live to satify others that dont really matter in my life. I have a second chance to make my life meaningful and soak in my true love and that is being a wife and mother. I am living for happiness and joy now , I'm pretty darn simple to say the least. Have your world rocked and it changes everything. I'm blessed to still be here so I will not take that for granted! Well I guess that's all for now. Tomorrow will come....... ''

Winding

So the last few months have been a bend, weave, bob thru life. I've taken on a teaching position that has me working one day a week teaching a Biology, Earth Science and Physical Science to 9-11 graders. It is so out of my comfort zone that I don't know what to think but i'm getting it done and crashing at the end. One day a week....no big deal right? Well, not so fast! I'm actually loving the teaching portion as I miss teaching so much but by 3:00 I feel myself declining and bam by the time I get home at 4pm I'm plum DONE! I struggle so much and I hate it even more than I struggle. Ive been insightful lately and what I really am proud of the progress that I've made thru this year. I think what is really bothering me is that I hate struggle and even more dislike that others really don't get it! I have felt alone a lot recently and I'm trying to sort thru the feelings of this the best I can. I feel ALONE, I FEEL DIFFERENT and I really don't know how to process thru all of those feelings. I guess that will be a topic for the head doctor to hear! I really don't expect everyone to get how hard it is to just get thru a day some day. To pretend to be normal but really you know your no where near what others want to assume you are. See stroke is just cruel in my opinion. I'm blessed to look pretty much the same, more wrinkles and gray hair I believe but overall I look like me but where the problem lies in that I don't feel the same in any way. My likes and dislikes have changed, I no longer taste food or think of food the same. I can't handle stress or pressure at all now without feeling like I am going to completely break down into a million pieces. I can't remember things, I such now at multi tasking (even listen to music, or tv on sends me over the edge) which is insane as I was the ultimate multi taker. The hardest is that I do something and I pay in the end! In my mind I'm all for it but sadly my body makes me pay for the joy I try to gleam in life. I refuse to back down, to give in or stop living my life with my beautiful family. Finding where and how to be in this world that I no longer understand is pretty hard i'm realizing. I just see things so differently and I really am so simply now...I am after joy! Problem is I feel like no matter what I do though that is such a struggle. What's a girl to do? I never wanted my problems to become others problems but the problem is now that I feel very alone as I bend, weave and bod thru this recovery. I didn't make it others problems but i'm finding that intern others felt that was a go ahead to not care or understand how truly hard my families life has been the last almost year. I've been living my life but I've been doing it by pretending that everything will be ok but inside I've been scared as hell that it's not. I FEEL DIFFERENT, I TALK DIFFERENT, I WALK DIFFERENT, MY WORK HAS CHANGED, MY CHILDREN HAVE SUFFERED AND MY MARRIAGE IS DIFFERNT AS I'M DIFFERENT. I don't expect everyone to get it but i have to accept different and accepting different is really , really hard. When people dismiss the hard, gloss over it, ignore me or my families struggles it hurts deeper than one knows. I really don't know what to do or say about any of it other than I'm not giving up. I know others would like my hard to go away for their sake and trust me so do I but walk a day in my shoes and I can guess you wouldn't last! Life is confusing and hard now as facing what is has finally here! I will not give up , I will not dissapear, I will keep working hard to be the best person I can be. I am with my boys and I'm bless in that they love me just how I am!

Starting Over

Starting over is where I'm at! What should I do when I grow up? LOL. I closed a door last month and now I am setting out to find happiness and begin again. Stroke took so much yet it's teaching me so much along the way to recovery. Every day is a new and I am determined to make the best of it. I have my not so great moments but I am working hard to push pass them and keep my head up. Right now I am focused on my new chapter that I'm looking to begin. Change is hard, it's scary to be honest and when you have had has much taken from you it's hard to believe that starting over is even an option. I know though it is the ONLY option! So now I'm enjoying my boys, taking in all those life moments that are sweet but mundane to many and looking along the way to what is next. I've realized I have many great people in my life that love me as Stacy, not just pre-stroke Stacy, they don't expect or need me to be a certain way. I'm loved for who I am!! I'm harder on myself than anyone else and I'm thankful to those people who have loved me and cared for me even when I haven't been so cheerful, when I'm weepy or complaining or just plain not well. Love is shown is so many ways and I'm so much more appreciative now of the little things. I've been brought to a place I didn't know existed but I am determined to have learned something from it and become a better person. So as I journey through STARTING OVER I'm learning to be thankful and appreciative for the now. My new beginning will start when god thinks I'm ready so until then I keep carrying on being thankful for today and mindful that tomorrow brings a new day and anything could happen! ANYTHING!

I'm Still Here!

Well, here I am! I am still here. Haven't taken that for granted. Many others have but I've realized that I can not. I am coming along each day it's hard to swallow that I've been put behind by so many people that I thought cared about me. Dealing with a health issue is not just a physical issue it's also an emotional issue and that emotional issue is one of the hardest parts lately that I'm dealing with. I've been hurt by so many other peoples actions it's been hard to believe but I am learning I have no control of others and I have to move onward. Losing friends who I really cared about, and thought cared about me and to have to realize that they are who they are and it's not who or what you thought that person was about in which your friendship was based. Moving on, being a grown up and realizing that sometimes you just have to say good bye to people and situations. Hard to believe I worked in a building with so many people who I thought cared about me. Now, I sit in my office in front of my computer and count how many of those people have spoken to me or ever care but more than a minute about what happened to me I realize that my world is really small. Putting the hurt of work behind me and venturing out on a new path is what I'm looking forward to. Scary as it is and sad in many aspects it needs to be done. I'm praying my body cooperates as my heart wants one thing lately and my brain seems to have its own agenda. STROKE How scarey you are You've taken away so much No regard for the person I was I work hard each day to overcome you I will not be detoured by the selfish hearts I've come across Pick up the pieces Put myself back together, even if alone Looking great they say, but inside I'm falling apart STROKE you try and take me down I will not be defeated NOT TODAY, TOMORROW OR IN MY FUTURE I will have me back Love will win I WILL BE OK NOT GIVING UP!

Now WHAT!!??

Well....Here I am on a beutiful sunny Feb. day wondering what the hell has happened to my life. As i contemplate this I realize that in the end it doesnt really matter what outcome I come up with it wont change a darn thing. Disaapointed is a great word to describe how I feel! I decribe myself as a half full kind of person but lately I'm letting myself feel the emotions I feel on a daily basis and then try and move past them. Stroke recovery is not just physical but also emotional and emotional is where I am today. I would cry before way more than I care to but today I am more mad than teary. I'm mad for so many reasons but one thing that has hurt me so very much has been how I have been treated by people that I thought cared about me! My work is something that I am having to face and let go and it is so very sad to me but so VERY real. I had a stroke, I did not have a cold, I didn't break a bone or something else minor. I had a life changing stroke. The one thing I never dreamed of was not only loosing my job in which i loved so very much but how those who I worked for and with would act or then again I could say not act at all. I found that it was just that...A JOB and I was just that...AN EMPLOYEE@! For some crazy , messed up moment I thought i meant something to those I worked for and with that as I came to find out I did not. When something bad happens you see who are those who truly care about you and are with you because they care not because what you can do for them at the moment but because you matter to them period. I foolishly thought I mattered to many but boy was I wrong!! So over the months I have dealt with that disappointment and I'm coming to terms with it but I have to say IT SUCKS!!! So here are the things one should NOT do to those going thru a difficult time: 1. Act like the person is dead!! or Does Not exist! 2. Give a card and a gift card and think that is all that is required and never do anything else 3. Say that everyone cares yet you never spoke or did a thing to contact the person in way , shape or form! 4. Act like nothing has happened and life is just peachy! So here are a few things that one CAN do to help those go thru a difficult time: 1. A quick visit, phone call, text every once in awhile. 2. email, call or text back! 3. Make your offer of time to be SINCERE! 4. Listen!!