Hard to Belive!

Looking back on pictures and videos of our lives over the years sure makes me see how truely lucky I am. I have been struggling lately with grasping and accepting what has happened over the last year of our lives. Tomorrow will be a full year since I had a stroke. Hard to believe that a whole year has gone by. Am I happy where I am now??? NO, I AM NOT! It doesnt really matter how I feel about the situation, as it is what it is but I do know that I am stronger than I ever gave myself credit for and I'm truly blessed to have such an amazing family behind me. The strength that I've seen from my little boys has been something I have no way to describe. A piece of their childhood was lost this last year as they worked thru the hard with me. Their are no do overs and sweet Aiden's kindergarten year was spent in an upheaval,but he was my cuddle and lover. He knew I couldnt do so much but he would come snuggle with me or spend months of never leaving my side when he was home. He is finally letting out some of what he feels about this past year and though it's so difficult and telling of the hard that we did endure it's good he is finally sharing and letting me know how he has felt and continues to feel. He's one wise little boy. Ryan is one warrior and my biggest cheerleader. Thru all that has gone on Ryan has had nothing but encouraging words, and love for me. I rocked his little world and destroyed his third grade world. He would never say that but I do know it. He had been looking forward to being in the same grade mommy taught in for 2 years and he was so excited to share this time with me. Me being outside at recess and spending lunches together with friends. The stroke took his big shine moment away and left him realing with what was and how to cope and deal. For Ryan who is a mama's boy my health problems was devastating and sad. His little mind couldnt figure out how to fix me and that made it harder to deal with. Sweet, brave Keaton what a 5th grade year he had. His mommy had a stroke and he lost 3 of 4 teachers in a few months time. Changes were swirling around him and emotions were high. He remained a steady kid but mama knew he was struggling inside and longed for normalcy and his mom to be back to how she was. Then there my dear, sweet husband who I can so no words to express my heartfelt gratitude to or for. We have been thru the hardest time in our lives together and he never has given up on me. He had taken on mom and dad roles month after month and complained very little. He has never let me give up on myself when I felt like giving up. He has pushed me and encouraged me everyday for the past year and I have no doubt he will for always. I have been bless with the love of a wonderful man and I love him more now that I did in the beginning. Stroke doesnt just happen to the person it happens to the family and those around them also. What a stroke leaves behind is cruel and hard but I have to say that I am truly thankful for those who took the time to care about me and my family. Who never gave up on me, who keep in touch and made the effort to still love us even though not much was coming back their way for awhile. I have come so far and I am so very grateful but i will not deny I am still sad, I am still bitter for what it has taken away from me, from my kids. I'm sad to see true colors and realize that people are not who I thought they were. Life is strange and ironic and so very real. So here I am a day away from being a year out from the moment that change me forever and I'm at a lose of what to expect. I was told I'd never be the same again. To accept the new me and that the old me was gone. I struggled to believe that but I will admit I believe now. There is no going back to who I was. To much has happened, I'm not the same person and I am finally accepting that. I no longer live to satify others that dont really matter in my life. I have a second chance to make my life meaningful and soak in my true love and that is being a wife and mother. I am living for happiness and joy now , I'm pretty darn simple to say the least. Have your world rocked and it changes everything. I'm blessed to still be here so I will not take that for granted! Well I guess that's all for now. Tomorrow will come....... ''