STUCK!

So time has moved on and I have moved on with it, yet I feel stuck! Stuck, yes, STUCK! I am different, I have come so far yet I am know where near where or who I was. Noone gave me a manual on how to recover from a stroke, no one said " Hey, do it this way!" I have had to muddle thru each day and do it the best I can. Many dont understand what the stroke has done to me physically or mentally. I should be just back to normal as I look pretty normal but sadly that is not how recovery works for me. I have felt so misunderstood, so alone, so lost now for a year and 4months. I have tried to recover with grace, with dignity, with strength but to be honest I just feel like I am bumbling along. I get so frustrated as I look like me but I don't feel like me, I can't think like me, I can't taste, I can't , I can't , I can't. Really, I can't do or feel alot but I DONT GIVE UP TRYING!!! I CAN AND I WILL!!! I can do so much yet those things are taking a back seat as I try and tackle some things that are a big deal to me know. Social aspect right now are a focus for me. I could stay home for ever and not not deal with the outside world and that would be fine with me but seeming that is not possible and NOT ME, I have to deal with this. Stroke has taken my ability to be who I was socially. We take for granted the ability to hold a conversation, we dont think about what we say, we just say it and go. I however can't do that. I have to think so hard to hold a conversation and at times I cant even remember what was said after or if it made any sense at all. I have anxiety that people dont care to be around me any longer as I have such a closed, world. My heart is huge, I have happiness in there but it's so darn hard to allow it to express it. I feel empty so much of the time, like I am searching for me, my place. I have had to deal with not only having a stroke but losing my job and my love of teaching. I have been working to find a place for my feelings of sadness, of loss, of disappointment and hurt. I have come so far but still so terribly hurt with the loss of my old life. People have been a hard one for me to figure out as they have been something that has brought great joy and yet such great sorrow to me. I see things so differntly now, and for many this is probly not a good thing. I see around all the fluff and crap, I see what is. Funny how stroke has stripped me down to be emotionally bare and makes me see things for what they really are. I use to have rosie glasses on but sadly my glasses are broke and my new are based only in clear reality. Reality is tough, it's not always a fun place to be in as there are so many people who are full of crap, saying one thing yet doing another, flat out lying to benifit themselves, I could go on and on. Reality is where i am. I am no longer pretending to be anything that I am not. I am a wife, a mother, a sister, a granddaugher, a neice, a friend, a broken but hopeful humane being. I am a human being who has and is going thru alot and I am not going to pretend I am better, that I have figured life out, I have the way to recover from a devestating medical issue mastered. I dont know crap just like the rest of the world. I am just a girl, trying to be happy , trying to raise three beautiful boys, doing the best everyday and finding her new place in this world. Please just give me a hand, give me a break, I dont have alot to give as I've been broken down in everyway possible but one thing I do know is I am tough and I will not give up on getting me back! So, that all for now. Despite being STUCK, I will will not give up trying to figure out how to move forward. I will win this marathon, I will RUN again from this place of hard but for now i just need a nudge of love, of kindness, a ray of sunshine to move me forward another day. No one can fix me but time and me but I sure am thankful for those those have chosen to help me SOAR and be stuck no longer!! Thank you!! Just THANK YOU!