Winding

So the last few months have been a bend, weave, bob thru life. I've taken on a teaching position that has me working one day a week teaching a Biology, Earth Science and Physical Science to 9-11 graders. It is so out of my comfort zone that I don't know what to think but i'm getting it done and crashing at the end. One day a week....no big deal right? Well, not so fast! I'm actually loving the teaching portion as I miss teaching so much but by 3:00 I feel myself declining and bam by the time I get home at 4pm I'm plum DONE! I struggle so much and I hate it even more than I struggle. Ive been insightful lately and what I really am proud of the progress that I've made thru this year. I think what is really bothering me is that I hate struggle and even more dislike that others really don't get it! I have felt alone a lot recently and I'm trying to sort thru the feelings of this the best I can. I feel ALONE, I FEEL DIFFERENT and I really don't know how to process thru all of those feelings. I guess that will be a topic for the head doctor to hear! I really don't expect everyone to get how hard it is to just get thru a day some day. To pretend to be normal but really you know your no where near what others want to assume you are. See stroke is just cruel in my opinion. I'm blessed to look pretty much the same, more wrinkles and gray hair I believe but overall I look like me but where the problem lies in that I don't feel the same in any way. My likes and dislikes have changed, I no longer taste food or think of food the same. I can't handle stress or pressure at all now without feeling like I am going to completely break down into a million pieces. I can't remember things, I such now at multi tasking (even listen to music, or tv on sends me over the edge) which is insane as I was the ultimate multi taker. The hardest is that I do something and I pay in the end! In my mind I'm all for it but sadly my body makes me pay for the joy I try to gleam in life. I refuse to back down, to give in or stop living my life with my beautiful family. Finding where and how to be in this world that I no longer understand is pretty hard i'm realizing. I just see things so differently and I really am so simply now...I am after joy! Problem is I feel like no matter what I do though that is such a struggle. What's a girl to do? I never wanted my problems to become others problems but the problem is now that I feel very alone as I bend, weave and bod thru this recovery. I didn't make it others problems but i'm finding that intern others felt that was a go ahead to not care or understand how truly hard my families life has been the last almost year. I've been living my life but I've been doing it by pretending that everything will be ok but inside I've been scared as hell that it's not. I FEEL DIFFERENT, I TALK DIFFERENT, I WALK DIFFERENT, MY WORK HAS CHANGED, MY CHILDREN HAVE SUFFERED AND MY MARRIAGE IS DIFFERNT AS I'M DIFFERENT. I don't expect everyone to get it but i have to accept different and accepting different is really , really hard. When people dismiss the hard, gloss over it, ignore me or my families struggles it hurts deeper than one knows. I really don't know what to do or say about any of it other than I'm not giving up. I know others would like my hard to go away for their sake and trust me so do I but walk a day in my shoes and I can guess you wouldn't last! Life is confusing and hard now as facing what is has finally here! I will not give up , I will not dissapear, I will keep working hard to be the best person I can be. I am with my boys and I'm bless in that they love me just how I am!