Another day!

Fatigue...I knew the word but I never really cared nor understood what it truly meant until now. Fatigue is the after affect of this stroke that is the gift that keeps on giving and never quit seems to leave. I fight it on a daily bases and it really is a struggle. I thought I knew tired and many say oh I know what you mean but I have to say "NO, REALLY HAVE NO IDEA!" The feeling of slow, the lack of get up and go for me is devestating as i'm a driven, get it done kind of girl. I dont sit easily, I dont nap and I sure dont relax! So the last years have been more than hard for me to take in. I have come so far as I no longer sleep all day but boy do I fight the light headed , unable to focus, overwhemed or confused feeling that creeps in regularly. Everyday I strive to do and be the best I can be which I dont feel so strong nor inspriational despite other telling me I am. I just feel like a broken women with a sweet husband and 3 fantastic kids that has to fight hard for each day to try and keep us afloat and moving forward. I feel like I let so many balls hit the floor but I honestly am trying so darn hard to be like everyone else so I'm not nor are my family different. Lately thought I am realizing we are different. Ive tried so hard not to be but embracing that we are a bit different is ok. My boys have faced hard and have done AMAZING but are still working thru it. See I'm not normal mommy yet people. I do what others accept as normal and then crash when I get home. I save the hardship of fatigue and stroke for home. I give many the best I have and those who really are close have and still see the real crap that is my new normal in life. I took on a new position 2 days a week but I spend the night in tears and bed early and the next days resting only to do it again. I love teaching but its so very sad what this stroke has done to me as it has taken my ability to teach and feel good after away. I get to do one or the other right now. I am praying it will get better as it truly is brutal right now. I lay in my chair writing this barely able to keep my eyes open and I am frustrated by it as I should be up taking on this sunny beautiful day but I can barely get my butt up to do simple house chores. So I rest and try and not freak out as I know I'm doing the best I can and I know I worked yesterday and its the cause but dang it I want it all. I want to do what I love in being a mother, a wife and a teacher and not feel like death becuase I chose one. Oh well, hopefully like everything else with this I pray I grow stronger and it gets easier. Until then I keep trying and fighting fatigue and this ugly beast called stroke.