STUCK!

So time has moved on and I have moved on with it, yet I feel stuck! Stuck, yes, STUCK! I am different, I have come so far yet I am know where near where or who I was. Noone gave me a manual on how to recover from a stroke, no one said " Hey, do it this way!" I have had to muddle thru each day and do it the best I can. Many dont understand what the stroke has done to me physically or mentally. I should be just back to normal as I look pretty normal but sadly that is not how recovery works for me. I have felt so misunderstood, so alone, so lost now for a year and 4months. I have tried to recover with grace, with dignity, with strength but to be honest I just feel like I am bumbling along. I get so frustrated as I look like me but I don't feel like me, I can't think like me, I can't taste, I can't , I can't , I can't. Really, I can't do or feel alot but I DONT GIVE UP TRYING!!! I CAN AND I WILL!!! I can do so much yet those things are taking a back seat as I try and tackle some things that are a big deal to me know. Social aspect right now are a focus for me. I could stay home for ever and not not deal with the outside world and that would be fine with me but seeming that is not possible and NOT ME, I have to deal with this. Stroke has taken my ability to be who I was socially. We take for granted the ability to hold a conversation, we dont think about what we say, we just say it and go. I however can't do that. I have to think so hard to hold a conversation and at times I cant even remember what was said after or if it made any sense at all. I have anxiety that people dont care to be around me any longer as I have such a closed, world. My heart is huge, I have happiness in there but it's so darn hard to allow it to express it. I feel empty so much of the time, like I am searching for me, my place. I have had to deal with not only having a stroke but losing my job and my love of teaching. I have been working to find a place for my feelings of sadness, of loss, of disappointment and hurt. I have come so far but still so terribly hurt with the loss of my old life. People have been a hard one for me to figure out as they have been something that has brought great joy and yet such great sorrow to me. I see things so differntly now, and for many this is probly not a good thing. I see around all the fluff and crap, I see what is. Funny how stroke has stripped me down to be emotionally bare and makes me see things for what they really are. I use to have rosie glasses on but sadly my glasses are broke and my new are based only in clear reality. Reality is tough, it's not always a fun place to be in as there are so many people who are full of crap, saying one thing yet doing another, flat out lying to benifit themselves, I could go on and on. Reality is where i am. I am no longer pretending to be anything that I am not. I am a wife, a mother, a sister, a granddaugher, a neice, a friend, a broken but hopeful humane being. I am a human being who has and is going thru alot and I am not going to pretend I am better, that I have figured life out, I have the way to recover from a devestating medical issue mastered. I dont know crap just like the rest of the world. I am just a girl, trying to be happy , trying to raise three beautiful boys, doing the best everyday and finding her new place in this world. Please just give me a hand, give me a break, I dont have alot to give as I've been broken down in everyway possible but one thing I do know is I am tough and I will not give up on getting me back! So, that all for now. Despite being STUCK, I will will not give up trying to figure out how to move forward. I will win this marathon, I will RUN again from this place of hard but for now i just need a nudge of love, of kindness, a ray of sunshine to move me forward another day. No one can fix me but time and me but I sure am thankful for those those have chosen to help me SOAR and be stuck no longer!! Thank you!! Just THANK YOU!

Getting IT!

Well this sure has been a long year but one that has open my eyes to so much. I guess god has funny ways of making sure he gets you to pay attention to something you never paid attenion to before. TRUE STRUGGLE. So many now a days think that their problems are so big. I get it trust me, when you dont feel good it SUCKS!! But I mean really struggle, not with a cold, flu or a headache. I am talking true struggle such as tumors, cancer, stroke, chronic illness that doesnt seem to want to give you a break. I have now seen the other side of struggle that I was clueless too before. I have never been one who has wanted to draw attention to myself. I dont need the world watching me do a thing. I'm shy and and introvert at heart so this whole struggle thing has been hard on me to understand. Recently though i have come to realize that I have been struggling, I do hurt and even though their are many who have it worse off I too have endured alot and I'm tired of people discounting that. I know that others have it just as bad or even worse and I will be the first to feel for them or to want to be there for them as I truely do get it. I'm finally owning my place in struggle, I'm not allowing people to treat me like shit because they think they can discount what I've gone through. I no longer need validation from people that have no idea, that just dont get true struggle. This feels good but also a bit scary to feel so strongly about this but I feel like I have been given this time to understand something that I never did before. I dont know about different struggles as we all have them in someway or another or sometime or another but today I get that it's ok to struggle and it's ok to admit that, own that and feel for others that do to. Pretending struggle isnt there, it's no big deal hurts someone that is already hurting. Miniminzing ones pain does nothing to help it, really only hurts. So I guess today I can say I really do get it and to those who don't, well...I hope you never do!

Hmmm...

So today I was told by by head doctor that sadly I'm stuck between two worlds. I no longer am who I use to be and I'm not yet who I will be. I'm caught in the middle. It will take time to see where that lands me. Hmmmmm.....well I guess that is about right but what does one do with that. She thinks I'm doing something that are pushing my limits to far and not healthy for my recovery so will have to make the changes soon enough to get that back in line. I just want to find my place in this world again. I belong somewhere doing something and I guess when the time is right It will come together.

Hard to Belive!

Looking back on pictures and videos of our lives over the years sure makes me see how truely lucky I am. I have been struggling lately with grasping and accepting what has happened over the last year of our lives. Tomorrow will be a full year since I had a stroke. Hard to believe that a whole year has gone by. Am I happy where I am now??? NO, I AM NOT! It doesnt really matter how I feel about the situation, as it is what it is but I do know that I am stronger than I ever gave myself credit for and I'm truly blessed to have such an amazing family behind me. The strength that I've seen from my little boys has been something I have no way to describe. A piece of their childhood was lost this last year as they worked thru the hard with me. Their are no do overs and sweet Aiden's kindergarten year was spent in an upheaval,but he was my cuddle and lover. He knew I couldnt do so much but he would come snuggle with me or spend months of never leaving my side when he was home. He is finally letting out some of what he feels about this past year and though it's so difficult and telling of the hard that we did endure it's good he is finally sharing and letting me know how he has felt and continues to feel. He's one wise little boy. Ryan is one warrior and my biggest cheerleader. Thru all that has gone on Ryan has had nothing but encouraging words, and love for me. I rocked his little world and destroyed his third grade world. He would never say that but I do know it. He had been looking forward to being in the same grade mommy taught in for 2 years and he was so excited to share this time with me. Me being outside at recess and spending lunches together with friends. The stroke took his big shine moment away and left him realing with what was and how to cope and deal. For Ryan who is a mama's boy my health problems was devastating and sad. His little mind couldnt figure out how to fix me and that made it harder to deal with. Sweet, brave Keaton what a 5th grade year he had. His mommy had a stroke and he lost 3 of 4 teachers in a few months time. Changes were swirling around him and emotions were high. He remained a steady kid but mama knew he was struggling inside and longed for normalcy and his mom to be back to how she was. Then there my dear, sweet husband who I can so no words to express my heartfelt gratitude to or for. We have been thru the hardest time in our lives together and he never has given up on me. He had taken on mom and dad roles month after month and complained very little. He has never let me give up on myself when I felt like giving up. He has pushed me and encouraged me everyday for the past year and I have no doubt he will for always. I have been bless with the love of a wonderful man and I love him more now that I did in the beginning. Stroke doesnt just happen to the person it happens to the family and those around them also. What a stroke leaves behind is cruel and hard but I have to say that I am truly thankful for those who took the time to care about me and my family. Who never gave up on me, who keep in touch and made the effort to still love us even though not much was coming back their way for awhile. I have come so far and I am so very grateful but i will not deny I am still sad, I am still bitter for what it has taken away from me, from my kids. I'm sad to see true colors and realize that people are not who I thought they were. Life is strange and ironic and so very real. So here I am a day away from being a year out from the moment that change me forever and I'm at a lose of what to expect. I was told I'd never be the same again. To accept the new me and that the old me was gone. I struggled to believe that but I will admit I believe now. There is no going back to who I was. To much has happened, I'm not the same person and I am finally accepting that. I no longer live to satify others that dont really matter in my life. I have a second chance to make my life meaningful and soak in my true love and that is being a wife and mother. I am living for happiness and joy now , I'm pretty darn simple to say the least. Have your world rocked and it changes everything. I'm blessed to still be here so I will not take that for granted! Well I guess that's all for now. Tomorrow will come....... ''

Winding

So the last few months have been a bend, weave, bob thru life. I've taken on a teaching position that has me working one day a week teaching a Biology, Earth Science and Physical Science to 9-11 graders. It is so out of my comfort zone that I don't know what to think but i'm getting it done and crashing at the end. One day a week....no big deal right? Well, not so fast! I'm actually loving the teaching portion as I miss teaching so much but by 3:00 I feel myself declining and bam by the time I get home at 4pm I'm plum DONE! I struggle so much and I hate it even more than I struggle. Ive been insightful lately and what I really am proud of the progress that I've made thru this year. I think what is really bothering me is that I hate struggle and even more dislike that others really don't get it! I have felt alone a lot recently and I'm trying to sort thru the feelings of this the best I can. I feel ALONE, I FEEL DIFFERENT and I really don't know how to process thru all of those feelings. I guess that will be a topic for the head doctor to hear! I really don't expect everyone to get how hard it is to just get thru a day some day. To pretend to be normal but really you know your no where near what others want to assume you are. See stroke is just cruel in my opinion. I'm blessed to look pretty much the same, more wrinkles and gray hair I believe but overall I look like me but where the problem lies in that I don't feel the same in any way. My likes and dislikes have changed, I no longer taste food or think of food the same. I can't handle stress or pressure at all now without feeling like I am going to completely break down into a million pieces. I can't remember things, I such now at multi tasking (even listen to music, or tv on sends me over the edge) which is insane as I was the ultimate multi taker. The hardest is that I do something and I pay in the end! In my mind I'm all for it but sadly my body makes me pay for the joy I try to gleam in life. I refuse to back down, to give in or stop living my life with my beautiful family. Finding where and how to be in this world that I no longer understand is pretty hard i'm realizing. I just see things so differently and I really am so simply now...I am after joy! Problem is I feel like no matter what I do though that is such a struggle. What's a girl to do? I never wanted my problems to become others problems but the problem is now that I feel very alone as I bend, weave and bod thru this recovery. I didn't make it others problems but i'm finding that intern others felt that was a go ahead to not care or understand how truly hard my families life has been the last almost year. I've been living my life but I've been doing it by pretending that everything will be ok but inside I've been scared as hell that it's not. I FEEL DIFFERENT, I TALK DIFFERENT, I WALK DIFFERENT, MY WORK HAS CHANGED, MY CHILDREN HAVE SUFFERED AND MY MARRIAGE IS DIFFERNT AS I'M DIFFERENT. I don't expect everyone to get it but i have to accept different and accepting different is really , really hard. When people dismiss the hard, gloss over it, ignore me or my families struggles it hurts deeper than one knows. I really don't know what to do or say about any of it other than I'm not giving up. I know others would like my hard to go away for their sake and trust me so do I but walk a day in my shoes and I can guess you wouldn't last! Life is confusing and hard now as facing what is has finally here! I will not give up , I will not dissapear, I will keep working hard to be the best person I can be. I am with my boys and I'm bless in that they love me just how I am!

Starting Over

Starting over is where I'm at! What should I do when I grow up? LOL. I closed a door last month and now I am setting out to find happiness and begin again. Stroke took so much yet it's teaching me so much along the way to recovery. Every day is a new and I am determined to make the best of it. I have my not so great moments but I am working hard to push pass them and keep my head up. Right now I am focused on my new chapter that I'm looking to begin. Change is hard, it's scary to be honest and when you have had has much taken from you it's hard to believe that starting over is even an option. I know though it is the ONLY option! So now I'm enjoying my boys, taking in all those life moments that are sweet but mundane to many and looking along the way to what is next. I've realized I have many great people in my life that love me as Stacy, not just pre-stroke Stacy, they don't expect or need me to be a certain way. I'm loved for who I am!! I'm harder on myself than anyone else and I'm thankful to those people who have loved me and cared for me even when I haven't been so cheerful, when I'm weepy or complaining or just plain not well. Love is shown is so many ways and I'm so much more appreciative now of the little things. I've been brought to a place I didn't know existed but I am determined to have learned something from it and become a better person. So as I journey through STARTING OVER I'm learning to be thankful and appreciative for the now. My new beginning will start when god thinks I'm ready so until then I keep carrying on being thankful for today and mindful that tomorrow brings a new day and anything could happen! ANYTHING!

I'm Still Here!

Well, here I am! I am still here. Haven't taken that for granted. Many others have but I've realized that I can not. I am coming along each day it's hard to swallow that I've been put behind by so many people that I thought cared about me. Dealing with a health issue is not just a physical issue it's also an emotional issue and that emotional issue is one of the hardest parts lately that I'm dealing with. I've been hurt by so many other peoples actions it's been hard to believe but I am learning I have no control of others and I have to move onward. Losing friends who I really cared about, and thought cared about me and to have to realize that they are who they are and it's not who or what you thought that person was about in which your friendship was based. Moving on, being a grown up and realizing that sometimes you just have to say good bye to people and situations. Hard to believe I worked in a building with so many people who I thought cared about me. Now, I sit in my office in front of my computer and count how many of those people have spoken to me or ever care but more than a minute about what happened to me I realize that my world is really small. Putting the hurt of work behind me and venturing out on a new path is what I'm looking forward to. Scary as it is and sad in many aspects it needs to be done. I'm praying my body cooperates as my heart wants one thing lately and my brain seems to have its own agenda. STROKE How scarey you are You've taken away so much No regard for the person I was I work hard each day to overcome you I will not be detoured by the selfish hearts I've come across Pick up the pieces Put myself back together, even if alone Looking great they say, but inside I'm falling apart STROKE you try and take me down I will not be defeated NOT TODAY, TOMORROW OR IN MY FUTURE I will have me back Love will win I WILL BE OK NOT GIVING UP!

Now WHAT!!??

Well....Here I am on a beutiful sunny Feb. day wondering what the hell has happened to my life. As i contemplate this I realize that in the end it doesnt really matter what outcome I come up with it wont change a darn thing. Disaapointed is a great word to describe how I feel! I decribe myself as a half full kind of person but lately I'm letting myself feel the emotions I feel on a daily basis and then try and move past them. Stroke recovery is not just physical but also emotional and emotional is where I am today. I would cry before way more than I care to but today I am more mad than teary. I'm mad for so many reasons but one thing that has hurt me so very much has been how I have been treated by people that I thought cared about me! My work is something that I am having to face and let go and it is so very sad to me but so VERY real. I had a stroke, I did not have a cold, I didn't break a bone or something else minor. I had a life changing stroke. The one thing I never dreamed of was not only loosing my job in which i loved so very much but how those who I worked for and with would act or then again I could say not act at all. I found that it was just that...A JOB and I was just that...AN EMPLOYEE@! For some crazy , messed up moment I thought i meant something to those I worked for and with that as I came to find out I did not. When something bad happens you see who are those who truly care about you and are with you because they care not because what you can do for them at the moment but because you matter to them period. I foolishly thought I mattered to many but boy was I wrong!! So over the months I have dealt with that disappointment and I'm coming to terms with it but I have to say IT SUCKS!!! So here are the things one should NOT do to those going thru a difficult time: 1. Act like the person is dead!! or Does Not exist! 2. Give a card and a gift card and think that is all that is required and never do anything else 3. Say that everyone cares yet you never spoke or did a thing to contact the person in way , shape or form! 4. Act like nothing has happened and life is just peachy! So here are a few things that one CAN do to help those go thru a difficult time: 1. A quick visit, phone call, text every once in awhile. 2. email, call or text back! 3. Make your offer of time to be SINCERE! 4. Listen!!

Hard to believe but this picture was last summer and boy did we have a great time in Glenwood Springs. How quickly times flies and how things change.

My recovery seems like a yo yo lately. One minute I feel like I'm doing well and the next...well, let just say it sucks!!  I have some memory problems so to be honest it feels like I blinked and its almost the new year.  As we quickly head into the new year I am reminded of what my year was full of and boy oh boy could I say it was terrible.  Yet as I sit and think about it I don't wont to say that, as it was another year with my amazing boys. Watching them grow up and experiencing so much with the three of them. Even though it was a VERY challenging year, I have to say it wasn't terrible. (there we alot of sucky things though. LOL!) 

As I sit and reflect on 2014 I cant wrap my head around all that has gone on. I have a kindergartner, a third grader and a fifth grader. My boys have been amazing thru everything and have kept me alert, and striving each day. Keaton and Ryan in La Crosse and basketball. Aiden learning to read and count to 100!! Really it's just the small stuff of snuggling together and making memories. One great memories of this summer was our trip to Glenwood Springs. We stayed in an amazing hotel with a water park, went to there first amusement park where the rides were perfect for there ages and they didn't have to wait in a single line!!!  Swimming at night till there little bodies couldn't swim anymore , eating and crashing only to awake and head out each day on a hike thru beautiful woods, One day we even accomplished a 4 hour hike to Hanging Falls. The terrain was tough and wasn't sure if my little Aidan's who's flat footed would make it but boy that kid has guts. He didn't complain and pushed through!!  Boy I hope we get to do something like that trip soon as I miss being active like that!

The year was littered for me with health issues that no matter how many doctors I saw no one could put their finger on what was going on, what is wrong???  My health was not great and I was doing my best to carry on but struggling to do it all.  The year started just fine but on March 19th it took a turn in which I awoke to be partially deaf in my right ear. I saw several doctors and finally an ear specialist said my inner ear nerve to the brain had died and there was nothing we could do about it. (Now they think it was the first stroke or TIA that i suffered.)  Meanwhile I was still trying to balance life. Then in late April I collapsed at work. It was scary and it was in front of my sweet school babies. YIKES!!  I was out of commission for almost 4 weeks due to not feeling well. I was able to go back the last few days of the year to enjoy my class and clean up. The summer was focused on trying to find out what the heck was going on. I was so frustrated and desperate to figure it all out. I had a hysterectomy on July 3rd as a doctor felt this may help my issues. I thought I was on the right track as I healed from surgery I started to feel better, more like myself. Sadly that was only about 4 weeks as in Sept. I awoke but this time to seeing double and feeling like I was dying.  I suffered a STROKE!! So here I am at the end of 2014 , I have lost my job, my freedom to drive, to control my body as it is a crab shoot at how I'm going to feel each day, emotions that are all over the board and tears that just fall at a drop of a hat lately.   I'm tired of therapy that is helping greatly but I really worry about how we are going to afford it now that I've had to go on to different insurance.  I wont to feel like me again. I know I have a brain injury and it takes time but I am not patient I'm finding and i've lost alot. I'm impatient to say the least. I am not bitter, I am thankful I am still here each day however I am done with health issues, done with not having control.  We take for granted so much, and I know I took for granted my body when it worked well. Now here I am left trying to figure out what the heck happened? How did I get here? How do I get healthy again and not look back?  So far I have no answers.  I only have faith!!   Each day I thank god I'm still here. Each day I try and put my best foot forward and make the day count. Hopeful one day this will all be a very bad memory. All I can be is hopeful and thankful!   So bring on 2015!!!! As I look forward to a new year I pray  that I can find my footing and achieve good health, along with loving and enjoying times with the ones I love. 

Happy New Year to each and everyone! 

 BAD, BAD DAY!!

Today was just a BAD, BAD DAY!! It started off not great and it just didnt seem to get all that much better. I am having to accept that my symptom are here and I have to deal with them. I was so thankful that I had a friend stop by to listen to me and get me focused once again on what is truely important. I had a stroke and I have to accept it!

So HERE I AM!!!

So about a stroke.... I've found is it's layers of  recovery that I am most annoyed with. Layers that are slow to reveal themselves, layers that are just plain ugly and painful.
 First layer is just realizing you have troubles. I have to realize that I have MANY things that are holding me up, making life different for me. Each day is a new day and I get to decide how that day is going to be based on my attitude. Now some days I wont lie my overall health gets to decide as I just feel so tired and unable to do a darn thing. Ive been told that's the way a brain injury heals it's self or therapy has worked me so hard that my body decides it's had enough and it just needs a break and it takes one regardless if I want to or not. The realization that one has had life changing event take place is the hard but accepting it and dealing with it is awhole nother thing!   Let's just say there are good and bad days!! Acceptance is a slow process!!
 The second layer I found is the emotional side of recovery.  I'm a mother of 3 beautiful boys. I don't have time for this crap to be honest. God however feels I have another path to take so I've been handed this life to live and we are figuring it out hour by hour , day by day.   Having a stoke and living is something I can be happy about. I am by far doing better than most that I saw on my hospital floor. I just remind myself that while in the hospital for almost a week I was the ONLY one walking around. Now I was with assistance but I was out of my room. Most around me couldn't move due to paralyze. I realized at that time I was pretty darn lucky and I haven't forgotten that. Now I am an emotional person anyway but that fact that this happened to me is mind boggling and hard to wrap my brain around. How does this happen. How do I have no risk factors and have a stroke. Well, good luck coming up with that one.  I do have a small hole in my heart and that could have contributed to it but there is no way to prove it. it's to dangerous to do heart surgery to close the whole so I'm left with a whole in my heart and the chance I may have another stroke. YAY ME!!  I am an answers girl. I like knowing what's wrong and fixing it or making sure that I take care of it. Not this time around. Take the medicine and hope and pray that it doesn't happen again. Oh, if it does then well go in and close it up.  Grrr.....   There is alot of emotions that come along with having any type of illness happen and I am going thru the steps day by day and hour by hour.
Third layer I've found is people amazing me.  I am amazed in many good ways and oh so many ways that are not so warm and fuzzy. It's been eye opening to say the least.  Karma is a bitch is all I can say. I have however had so many wonderful people bless me and I'm doing my best to focus on the good energy  and good people in my life. Got to let go of the negative and let positive guide me.

So there are my first 3 layers. There is many more layers. Many more struggles. Just typing and trying to spell are hard tasks. Sorry if it is difficult to follow as I did my best to put my feelings out but not strong on  my English language skills. OH WELL!! I will get there. Grace is my favorite thing.

BOY TIMES HAVE CHANGED!!

Well........

I HAD A STOKE!!!!!

Yes, you read that right, I had a stroke! I had a Ischamic stoke in the thalamus. I still am in shock that this happened and it's been almost 2 weeks. One week in the hospital and  one  week home trying to start therapy and make sense of the non-sense. So today I am writing about it and I am having to accept it. I am having to realize that this is really my life and it  has turned upside down and inside out.  HOWEVER I will not let it take my life as I know it. I am a tough cookie and I know that I am more than what a stroke has left behind.  I am putting it out there, today I am shouting it out that I WILL BEAT WHAT A STROKE HAS LEFT ME WITH.  I have been left with some crummy side affects and I will never understand why? I will however over come what has been given to me and some how rise above it.  Today, I am putting it out into the world what I have  been given and today making it known that I will rise above it all to be a even better version of my old self.

 This blog will take on new meaning as it will be a place for me to talk about my recovery and share my sweet joys that I still observe and experience.  I have a hard time with speech and writing so this also will be a form of therapy as writing period is hard for me but the more I do the better I get.  Sooo... bear with me and so begins the ride.

Well Change Came

Well my last blog post was Change is a Com-in and boy did change come. I began work the summer  of 2011 and I have not blogged or loaded any pictures since the day I started. Sad, Sad , Sad but true our lives have been flying by and sadly not allot of time for sitting in front of a computer writing down all the amazing moments of my families lives or capturing moments to post for all to see. We are however surviving and still living so that is a good thing. I'm hoping now that the holiday's are upon us I will have some time to catch up on some things.

Change is a comein

No I am NOT running for president I'm just making a HUGE turn in my everyday life. For the last months we have been tossing around the notion that I will head back to work. Well the time for me to get a job as a teacher is NOW!! Over the last month I have worked on resume, job applications, and oh not to mention I started subbing regularly at Keaton's school. The ball has been rolling. 3 weeks ago I had a job interview and tomorrow will hopefully find out the outcome. The journey to gaining employment has not been without bumps that's for sure. I had no idea that things could be done so poorly during the hiring process but apparently it can as I have witnessed it first hand. I wont get into details as it just make me angry. I will say that tonight's the School Board meeting and I find out whether they will add my position or not. I am conflicted both ways as I want the job as I am not one who likes to not come out on top of whatever I'm doing, yet part of me doesn't want the job as I know it will change our lives as we know it forever. I wont lie a part of me is excited to get back out there and do what I'm good at however it's really hard to overlook that I have a beautiful 2 year old who I can't stand to leave with anyone else. So soon I will know my gate and may be asking all my working mommy friends for support as I will be setting off on a journey that will be heart wrenching for me and Aiden. More to come.....

The boss

Ryan thinks he has it all figured out but I beg to differ! Here's a portion of our conversation. Me: "I'm the boss and that's the way it goes." Ryan: "Your not the boss mom, dad is the boss! You just help out around here!" Me: "What..JUST HELP OUT AROUND HERE!" So there you have it people. I'll me making it known I DON'T just help out around here I RUN here!

Life is good

I haven't had much time to do this blog or much else other than be a "mommy". I have let so much go in the last year and that is for the better in my opinion. For so long I was trying to do way to much and STRESSING myself out. I have this side of me that thinks things need to be picture perfect and only my best is good enough. WELLLLLL.......I gave that up and boy am I happier, the kids are happier and on with life we have gone. So to be VERY honest blogging had gone out the window and I am now hoping to get back my mojo and update more and get back into taking and sharing pictures.

Life with 3 rambunctious boys is a trip, and one that keeps me saying "Holy crap", "What the hell", and most of all "I'm so stinking lucky". It's funny how life keeps changing and sometimes you just can't keep up and when you feel like you finally have.... something comes along to mix it all up again. I have embrace the "MIXED UP" and love my chaotic life.

So on to my to Crazy boys, I'll sum it up in as few words as possible. Their AWESOME!! Everyone is growing and maturing at the speed of light.
Keaton is almost done with first grade and rocks in every subject. He's just finishing the season for basketball and has really matured in his basketball ability.,which is good considering the kids is almost 5ft tall already. He is caring,creative and to smart for his own good.

Ryan has blossomed into a new kid over the last 6months since starting OT and gymnastics. He was diagnosed with Sensory integration disorder along with Auditory processing disorder and another big long diagnosis which i cant spell so I'll just put it in normal person language. He has a mild brain imbalance which causes him to have low muscle tone and trouble crossing his mid-line. All that said he was worrying me for sometime as I couldn't put my finger on exactly what was going on with Ryan. Thankfully I had him evaluated and they saw the things we were worrying about and set us on the right road to getting Ryan back on track. We started OT,gymnastics, home exercises and I am happy to say Ryan has made great improvements in a short time. I was VERY worried I wouldn't be able to send him to kindergarten as I wasn't sure if he'd be ready but he has come along way and I think he's ready. He was just accepted into Keaton's school at Banning Lewis Ranch Academy so I will have 2 boys in school which just BLOWS my mind.

Aiden is happy, curious, smart,and oh so loving. He is no longer a baby and tries to hang with the big boys. He is talking more and more each day, he has learned his colors, loves to say the letters of the alphabet, in love with Elmo and Cookie Monster and wants to be a big boy just like his brothers which scares me to death. At the beginning of Feb. he decided to fly off the coach and land on the ottoman and he snapped both right forearm bones in half which left him with a cast and mommy and daddy with lots of gray hair. Thankfully it comes off the 15th of this month and we can hopefully go on with life and NEVER think about it again. He's begun potty training and doing awesome for his age. Aiden turns two at the end of the month and looking forward to celebrating his big day with a Cookie Monster party. I just wish he'd slow down and just be my baby for a little longer.

Well I guess I'll throw in an update on us. Ben and I are doing well. Life keeps us extremely busy as I've already shared. Ben has been studying to take his PM test in April, and he's been coaching Keaton's basketball team so he's had his plate full and looking forward to the summer to relax. I'm also doing well. Looking into going back to work as a teacher if all works out. Started the process of filling out applications and now just waiting to hear that my CO license has cleared so I can actually put the applications to work. This is a huge deal for me to go back to work and I'm not sure how I feel about it yet so will go with the flow and see what happens. If I don't find a great place for Aiden I'm not going anywhere but home!! I truthfully would like to move and start back to work in NC so if anyone has any offers in Raleigh or surrounding areas let us know. The South still has my heart and the beach is calling my name!!!

So there's are lives in short review. Life is good, kids are great, we are thankful!!

Well that was the catch up on our lives.

Loosey, goosey!

Ryan has been complaining that he's bottom teeth hurt . After hearing him complain on and off for two days I stuck my finger in there to find out what was going on and lone and behold we have two bottom teeth loose. I find this to be a bit early for loosing teeth as he's only 4 1/2 but from what I read this is normal. So the tooth fair will now be on double duty trying to keep up with Keaton's lost teeth and now Ryan.

Peace

Is that silence I hear? Hmmmm....why yes it is. This is not normal for my house to be peaceful. Normally on a good day there is some sort of bickering going on but as of recently Keaton and Ryan have been brought together in their Wii Lego Star Wars obsession. We held off as long as possible before bringing video games into the house as we knew we would be opening a door that would never be closed. Well, the door is now wide open and the obsession has begun. Thankfully it's a obession that is bringing the two brothers closer together. They are working together to figure out how to play the games and talking thru the difficulties they are having when playing. Now by NO MEANS am I letting this be all they do all day as I will admit they probly would play non-stop on someday but watching them play and working together and talking to one another in such a cooperative way is touching. Yes, that sounds funny as I'm talking about video games but they are growing up so much lately and this is my new reality. For now I will just enjoy thecooperation , peace and quiet while it last!

Trying to get back to POSITIVE

Lately I've been so busy that my head has been spinning but thankfully Christmas crazy is over and the kids are on break so we have some down time to get our lives back into perspective. I will not go into detail as for one way to much to share and two it's private but I will say there's been alot going on and I'm just DONE with stress. So My New Year's resolution is to be more POSITIVE. I feel like I use to be, but somewhere in this crazy busy life with three kids, a husband, all the hospital stays and Dr. visits this year, job craziness, oh not to mention the negative people that I've come in contact with I became a bit jaded. So I am taking myself back and I'm putting it out there and declaring my best intentions. I pray that 2011 brings peace, clarity and happiness for all my family and friends. 2010 has been a very HARD year for us and the one bright spot has been my beautiful children.

I was told sometime ago that I should enjoy each and everyday as they go so very fast. Well that couldn't be more true of a statement. Time as flown by and they have grown so quickly. Some days I wish I could stop time and never let the moment go by. These days we have cleared the baby stage. Aiden is a strong, independent happy little boy. Ryan is a creative, imaginative sweetheart who is coming into his own more and more each day. Keaton...well Keaton is witty,kind and teaching us new things each and every day. He is all boy and figuring out this crazy world. Nothing brightens my day or brings me more joy than my family. So with that I am truly the luckiest women on the planet. No matter what challenges are thrown my way and what changes lye ahead. With my family by my side I will always have something to be positive about!!

Peace and Joy in 2011 for all.

I'm Alive, I promise

Yes, I know I havent posted a darn thing in months. My life has been busier than ever now that both boys are in school and Aiden is a busy toddler. So much has happened that I won't even try and recap it as I don't have the time nor can my eyes stay open that long tonight. We have been trying to be outdoors hiking and playing as much as possible as anytime now the nice weather we are enjoying this fall could change instantly. I am not looking forward to the next 5 months couped up in the house with the boys so we have been hiking and taking in every beautiful place we can find.

The boys are growing by leaps and bounds. Keaton is loving first grade and is such a great reader now. He read us a book about Pumpkins this evening. Ben and I just kept looking at one another in shock that he just read that non fiction book no problem. This is just amazing to me.

Ryan is enjoying Preschool. Making friends and is finally coming around on singing and dancing. The kid refused to sing or dance for the past 4 yrs. Thankfully he is talking more and is coming out of his shell more and more each day. Obessed with Star Wars and How to Train your Dragon. Seriously, OBSESSED!!!!!

Aiden is amazing and growing fast. He is such a happy go lucky kid. Loves trains,trucks and anything he can push. He is an outdoor kid and would spend each and every minute outside if he could. Starting to talk with the new words this week Juice,up and down. These new additions to his previous vocab. has helped me some with the toddler frustration. Aiden is starting to use the potty now! Yipee. He has gone a few times and knows what to do but just can't always hold it to get there. I think he's doing great for only being 19 months old.

Halloween was great and Keat was Yoda, Ryan was a Storm Trooper and Aiden was the cutest elephant ever. We enjoyed the kids festival at church and Trick or Treating with cousins and friends in the neighborhood. Lots of fun. Camera won't download so will try and get pics out soon.

Ben and I are doing well. We have gotten a few date nights in and trying to find time with one another. It's hard with three kids but overall doing well.

Looking forward to the holidays and hoping that the New Year will bring clarity to our lives. I'm wrestling with somethings now that I hope will all work out for the best and soon.

So there it is, a quick update. Promise I will try and be better about updates